Subjectivity and Objectivity

I will try to apply some ideas I have learned in my Philo class earlier.

Subjectivity.

Most philosophers say that we are always subject to our emotions, opinions and beliefs. It is a fact of life that we are ALWAYS subjective because that is how we express ourselves coherently by looking at things "subjectively." In other words, it is not difficult to be subjective because you know it deep down inside. Simple, you know yourself more than anything else then it'd be easy to show what you know, is it not?

So, upon expressing whatever crap is boggling within, I WILL be subjective.

One. I am confused. Still confused, even until today. What course must I take? What do I really want? What does God want? What am I going to do? What is my role in GC? See, how worried I am. Yes, my friends, I am an extreme worrier. So, what now? How do I determine my direction in life? I have waited, asked and maybe I did not ask and waited enough. I am tired. I cannot wait any longer. I have to know. I do not really understand how these things work. I do not understand how people know their passion. I do not understand that.

Two. I am pissed. I do not hang out with some of my friends anymore for whatever reason, I do not know. I think that they are pathetic, stupid,

Haba haba

(Nov. 11, 2011 - In lieu of Ondoy, this is an attempt to write in fluent Filipino)

Naalala ko ang isang maulang araw noong 1 taong gulang pa lang ako ay nakaupo ako sa hita ng aking Yaya at nakasakay sa aming puting Lancer. Kami ay pauwi na noon sa aming bahay ngunit nagulat na lang ako dahil pagsilip ko, umaapaw na ang tubig sa kalsada. Tuwang tuwa pa ako kasi pakiramdam ko nasa beach ako.

Pagkatapos ay tinuro ko sa aking yaya at sabi ko, “Ya, haba haba! Haba haba!”

At simula nun ay tinawag kong haba haba ang baha.

Akala ko noong bata ako ay masarap lumusob sa haba haba dahil parang beach lang pero libreng bayad. Tapos, kapag malakas ang ulan ay nasususpende ang mga klase kaya tuwang tuwa talaga ako at tsaka mas masaya pang maglaro habang umuulan. Kaya gustong gusto ko ang bagyo (oo, pasensya na, hindi ako masyadong nagmamalasakit sa ibang nadadamay sa bagsik ng mga bagyo). Noon iyon. Noon.

Nagbago ang lahat ng aking mga pananaw pag-tapak ko nga kolehiyo, alam ko na kung gaano ka-letse ang mga malakas na bagyo – ang tindi ng trapiko, nawawalan ng signal, napuputol ang linya ng telepono at internet, nawawalan ng kuryente at higit sa lahat, bumahaba-haba.

Ay sandali, ayusin na nga natin. Bumabaha.

Isa sa mga hindi kong malilimutan na araw ay ang ika-26 ng Setyembre ng taong 2009. Kahapon, naranasan ng buong Metro Manila ang bagsik ng bagyong Ondoy. Wala itong pinili at pinalampas – mayaman man o mahirap ay nagdusa sa kanyang kalupitan.

Isa na lamang ako sa mga nakaranas ng pagdurusang ito.

Nagmadali akong pumunta sa unibersidad ng 6:25 impunto para sa aming ROTC, bagamat umuulan na ng malakas at may naririnig-rinig na ako sa mga tao na may dadagsa daw na bagyo. Hindi man kami pinag-ensayo sa field, ay pagod na pagod naman kami sa pagaaral ng mga iba’t ibang military commands. Nairita pa nga kami dahil napilitan pa kaming mabasa sa ulan (oo, malakas na noon) dahil palipat-lipat kami ng building.

Tapos, pinagbawalan pa kaming mag-elevator kaya wala kaming ibang paraan kundi tumakbo ng hagdanan papuntang 6^th floor. Binigyan nga kami ng oras para magpahinga pero wala ring kwenta dahil hindi na naming kayang bumaba sa Razon building dahil malakas ang ulan at malayo pa ang kainan. Tiniis na lang naming ang gutom at pagod namin. Inisip na lang naming na makakauwi na kami ng alas-dose.

Noong natapos na ang aming pageensayo, dumaan pa kami sa supplier ng uniform para magpasukat dahil sabi ng mga opisyal ay kailangan na naming ng uniform as soon as possible. Nagtagal pa kami ng mahigit 30 minutes dahil mahaba ang pila. Pagkuha ko ng aking cellphone, nalaman kong bagyo nga talaga.

Ang nakakaasar pa nun ay nag-anunsyo na pala ang CHED na nasuspende ang mga klase as of 10:00 am dahil Signal 1 na pala ang kondisyon ng Metro Manila. Hindi man lang kami sinabihan ng mga pesteng ROTC officers. Sinasabi nilang sinisilbi nila ang kanilang “fellow Lasallians” pero hindi man lang sila responsible at maintindihin para pauwiin agad ang mga estudyante. Wala man lang silang pakiramdam na nag-aalala ang mga magulang namin. Hindi man lang nila inisip na maaari kaming mastranded at hindi makauwi at ilan pa sa amin ay mga taga-probinsya.

Hindi namin inakalang lalakas ng matindi ang ulan kaya paglabas naming sa building ay unti-unti ng humahaba ay este bumabaha sa loob at lalo na sa labas ng campus. Nagmamadali na kaming lumabas ng kaibigan kong si Lui.

Dahil hindi natuloy ang fellowship party sa GC, sabi ng nanay ko sumabay na lang ako kay Lui since nakatira lang naman siya sa Makati at si Mama ay nastranded din dun, doon na lang daw ako sunduin sa bahay ni Lui. Susunduin na dapat siya ng tatay niya pero pataas na ng pataas ang baha kaya nastranded din siya malapit sa Harrison Plaza. Pinilit naming mag-lakas loob at sinubukang magcommute papunta doon ngunit hindi talaga kami makalabas ng La Salle. Mahal ang presyo ng pedicab at hanggang hita na ang tubig sa Taft.

Kapag tatawid lang ng building, kelangan mo pang tumungtong sa mga cemented benches at monoblocks at mga kahoy para makarating sa paroroonan kaya adventure talaga. Pareho na rin kaming pagod kaya wala na kaming lakas para magpursige pa kaya sumuko kami at nagdesisyon na hintayin na lang bumaba ang baha at tumila ang ulan. Kumain kami sa Animo Food Haus bagamat pareho kaming hindi nagdala ng sapat na pera para sa sitwasyon namin.

Naisipan ko namang magpasundo na rin para sigurado baka mamaya ay hindi talaga makarating ang sundo niya subalit nastranded din ang driver ko kaya hinintay na lang namin ang tatay ni Lui.

Ang masaklap pa noon, paunti na ng paunti ang baterya ng cellphone naming kaya naghanap kami ng charger. Pumunta kami sa may Accounting Office at nakita naming na halos andun lahat ng mga nastranded. Nagtanung-tanong kami at wala raw talaga silang charger. Kaya naghintay na lang kami dun, nagpahinga at nagdarasal na rin.

Pagkatapos ng ilang oras, umaabot na ang baha sa ground floor ng LS building kaya pinaakyat na kami sa may chapel. Hindi ko akalain na magiging isang refugee rin pala ako. Nagtataka lang ako, ‘bakit kami lang ni Lui ang natira at nastranded sa blockmates namin?’ Hindi na talaga namin alam ang gagawin namin kaya naghintay lang kami sa wala.

Palakas lang ng palakas ang ulan. Pataas ng pataas ang tubig.

Hindi rin pala kami pwedeng magLRT sa oras na iyon dahil sinara nila kaya hindi rin kami makapagcommute. Ayaw rin kami palabasin ng mga taga-La Salle dahil delekado daw. May mga man holes sa tapat ng LRT station kaya wala rin daw talagang silbi. At isa pa, wala kaming pera. Kung magbubus naman kami, hindi naming parehong alam kung saan bababa. Ang taxi ayaw mamasada dahil malulugi sila at wala na rin kaming nakikitang jeep. Magaalas-singko na at dun na lang kami naghintay – naghihintay sa wala.

Naiiyak na kami pareho ni Lui dahil gusto na talaga naming umuwi. Maliban sa pagod, gutom at pangangamba, nahohomesick na rin kami. Pakiramdam namin hindi na talaga kami makakauwi pero sa tulong rin ng mga highschool friends ni Lui, nagkayayaan kami na labanan ang baha. Hindi na rin kasi kayang sumabak ng tatay ni Lui sa may Vito Cruz dahil chest-deep level ang baha. Tsaka biglang binuksan ng LRT at MRT ang mga stasyon nila 24 hours ng sa gayon ay makauwi na ang mga nastranded.

Kaya kahit gaano na kami kadungis at kalansa, determinado na talaga kaming umalis. Wala na kaming pakialam kung hanggang beywang ang tubig, basta makauwi na lang. Apat kaming magkakasamang umalis, at lahat sila ay mga sosyalera kaya hirap akong makisama dahil magcocommute kami. Nagaalala ako baka dukutan sila ng hindi oras. Nakaalis kami ng La Salle ng alas-otso. Nilusob namin ang baha at sabi ko na lang imagine natin na parang nasa beach tayo.

Mahirap kombinsehin sila dahil mga sosyalera nga. Si Lui naiyak dahil nandidiri siya sa mga nakikita niyang nakalutang. Hindi ko na nga lang sinabi na may nakita akong dagang malaki na lumulutang at iba't ibang insekto para hindi na sila magfreakout pero ako mismo takot na takot na rin. Pero tinuloy namin ang paglangoy papuntang LRT station.

Dahil wala nga kaming pera ni Lui, nagbayad yung isang kaibigan ni Lui na ang pangalan ay Maika sa LRT at MRT. Dali-dali kaming nagcommute at bumaba sa Ayala Station. Duon natapos ang adventure ko.

Sinundo ako ng nanay ko dun at napaiyak dahil sa sobrang pagod at sa hirap na dinanas ko noong araw na yun. Oo, traumatic talaga. Hindi rin pala kami makauwi na mag-ina dahil baha sa may Bicutan kaya natulog kami sa condo ng Tito ko sa The Fort. Hindi ko talaga akaling magagawa ko ang lahat ng iyon. Salamat sa Diyos dahil ligtas ako at ang mga pamilya't kaibigan ko. Thankful na ako dahil at least hindi masyadong malala ang nangyari sa akin kumpara sa iba.

Ayon sa balita, umaabot sa 73 na mamamayan ang namatay at 70,000 na pamilya ang nasawi. Si Ondoy na siguro ang pinakamabigat at pinakamabagsik na bagyo sa nakalipas na apat na dekada kaya naman nagdeklara ang Pangulong Arroyo ng state of calamity sa Metro Manila at sa 25 probinsya sa Luzon.

Bagamat may mga rescue teams na at mga NGOs na sumasagip sa mga nasawi at hindi na masyadong umuulan at wala ng baha, hindi pa rin malilimutan ng buong sambayanan ang dinanas natin sa bagyong ito. Pero nagpapasalamat ako sa Diyos dahil pinatunay niya na wala Siyang katulad at wala ng iba ang makakapantay sa kanyang paghari at sa kanyang pagmamahal. Siya ay in control sa lahat ng nangyari at mangyayari; maganda man o hindi, ang alam ko lang ay Siya pa rin ang Diyos at maghahari siya magpakailanpaman.

Talagang kahit baha-baha na ang buong Maynila, haba-haba pa rin ng walang kumpas na pagmamahal ng Panginoon. Purihin siya!

On Wonder and.. Wonders

To be honest, I have been thinking alot these past days and I have been daydreaming a lot. I have so many thoughts on life, on reality, on people. Generally, people.

It is quite funny how I came to the point of actually doubting my perspectives, my opinions, my standards. I question how I think, how people think and how they arrive at a particular situation and the random things in life. I suppose this is a side-effect of having a Philisophy class. I am not really sure If I should thank Dacela or not. I do not see anything wrong with "questioning" doctrines or how people act and interact with each other. I find it very amusing because I discover more as I start to question, not necessarily doubt. I have discovered that you learn more when you ask questions in terms of enrching the possibilities of things and ideas. You see the bigger picture of an object and therefore you seek to decypher the borders of human understanding. I find it really interesting that it is really humanly possible to actually reach humanity's potentials. 

I grew up with all questions and thoughts sealed in mind and have always been afraid to raise my hand and express my thoughts clearly and confidently. And now, it keeps piling and piling up and I do not know how to spit this out so I probably start to share my trails of wonders and curiosity.

"What is life? Does light always exist when there is darkness? Does evil always exist when there is good?"

These are just some. I just wish I could answer all the questions in my head. 

Because I love the Caped Crusader

Batman is my favorite comic hero not because he has humongous man-boobs nor because he's macho. But he IS the most complex of all superheroes.

He is a man behind a cape who does not intend to save the world or make a name or get the girl. He has no superpowers except for a hefty inheritance and an insatiable appetite for justice. Batman is flawed and conflicted and all too human which makes him so intriguing. 

Even before when I was a child, I have always wanted to be a hero. Oh yes, I was not the indigenous little girl that adored Barbies and Polly Pockets. I loved pretending that I was the "good" superhero flying outer space and rescuing the old woman bullied by the "bad" guys. I have always thought that heroes were perfect - that they have always been nice and sweet and cuddly and lovable. But as I grew older, I have come to realize that all my perceptions were paradoxical and difficult and ironic. True, heroes were good but not perfect. Not perfect enough. 

Which is why I have always loved Batman because he is just as real as anyone of us. 

Yes, sometimes, it is good to be human.

No, my friends, I do not want to talk about being a hero because we already know that and I'm not going to write about Cory or Michael Jackson or whoever you think can be of relation to..

No, my point is.. be yourself. That is what makes Batman a true hero. 

Hero

"I Have a Dream.."

As I was watching Oprah's tribute to Martin Luther King, it made me think how I, yes me, can possibly change the world. His legacy inspired thousands of people other than the Americans. It wasn't his charisma that brought him to fame nor his astounding speeches. It was his passion for God that made him a hero.

It takes one person to make a difference.

Practice Makes Perfect

Yeah, yeah.

That's what my piano teacher taught me. "Practice makes perfect," she insists. It is true. Although I think practice plus INTENSE PERSISTENCE makes perfect.

I am honestly frustrated because I do not write well [at least for writing analytical papers and reflection papers] Fine, I do have a great mind but why can't I get my thoughts straight? I am seriously tired of "plagarizing" even if I don't at times [well, most of the time, I just rephrase the words]. I have always thought that I love writing. I do, but I'm not a good writer. I cannot construct my thoughts well which is why I decided to write an essay everyday about random things or issues since I want to learn and I want to stop depending on myself. I need to write about serious stuff. I MUST stop making journal essays. It's so useless. Actually, it is not but I need to PRACTICE writing. I MUST. 

I have a lot of papers to do. Well actually group reports and videos and it's weird because I'm not freaking out [YET]. Okay, well, I better start WRITING and READING. [Hello?! I don't have time to read anymore. Ghad. How can you actually accomplish everything you need to do all at the same time. See how I suck at multi-tasking]

I need to be independent. I MUST.

Practice, Mica, practice, practice.

Know your priorities, girl. 

 

Stress Relief

In the middle of my intensifying and exhausting papers and readings, allow me to pause and relax. So forgive me if this entry is not as articulate like the rest. Just let me fart this crap out.


I haven't been really "writing" since I graduated high school. I missed it actually. Shocking as it may seem, it's already half of my first semester in La Salle. [I just realized I didn't make any blog entry about my first day in college or even my expectations for the upcoming year. Haha. Well, for a change.. ;)]

Honestly, I have been very worried, confused, doubtful these past few weeks [months na nga ata eh]. I never imagined myself going to La Salle. I never saw myself in Political Science.

So, the question is, 'How come I ended up in a school that I don't like and in my least course choice?" Yes, readers, I'm sure you'll tell me that God has a reason why He placed me here. I know, I know. Sometimes, it's just really frustrating because everything is uncertain. I am not sure about what I want in life.

On top of it, I FEEL like I'm not good at anything. I do love reading but I don't think I'm good at writing. I love planning events and working with people but I do not think that I'm good enough. I am interested in political activities but I am not extremely articulate or good at speaking, specifically debating. I enjoy theater and stage direction but I think that's only one of my interests. I am obviously in love with music but I am a master of none.

I know these are all just emotions and these are not true.

But yes, I do not know where God is taking me in the next three years. I just know that He has called me to go full-time. I do not know if now, or after ten years. I do not know how.

What I know is that He wants the best for me even if most of the time it is hard to believe. But I will trust Him regardless of what may have you.

Love-life-wise? Zero. Hehe. Disco has been completely gone and I'm glad he is. Congratulations. Although, someone in church likes me but I do not want to start thinking about it so yes, I will not try to think about it.

I am starting to miss high school. Everything was easy back then. We all had friends to depend on. Same rin naman in college although it really is different compared before. In high school, you can submit your papers even if it is not on time. I think high school made me a little complacent. So I am learning the hard way. Here in college, I am on my own. I am allowed to do whatever the hell I want. I am challenged by different beliefs, different opinions, different principles, different people. Everything is new. Everything is difficult. College is a bitter pill, wherein you just have to suck it in no matter how hard it may be. Regardless of how heavy-loaded the course is, here, you have no choice but to face it and beat yourself up. What's wrong with me in the past few days is that I have been beating myself up too much to the point of not being able to take some time with my friends, which is unhealthy. I have been so busy - focusing on getting a high grade even if I do not LIKE and ENJOY the course. I'm not really sure if I don't actually. At some days, I do enjoy, at times I don't. Most of the time, actually. Ah, gulo.

I have a lot of things to do this weekend:
1. Finish my term paper on Polisci
2. Finish my Citigov case study
3. Finish my Scimatp Project
4. Finish my Citigov policy proposal
5. Read reading materials for Intglos and Citigov

I am so exhausted. I am dead T T

Hay Lord. Please just show me where to go..



"Go for I am sending you. You must lead My people out of the country. I will be with you. I Am who I Am. Tell them I Am has sent me to you. "

6 Weeks

In six weeks, things will start to change.

In six weeks, the truth will unfold.

In six weeks, life will open its new doors.

In six weeks, growth will be inevitable.

In six weeks, we'll begin to spread our wings.

In six weeks, we shall soar.


I cannot wait.

Six weeks, six weeks, six weeks. :)

Comastrokatose

Feasibility + Utangs + Retreat + Sabayang Pagbigkas + Fundraising + IDEA + Prom + El Fili Movie + Papyrus + Yearbook + Graduation + College Applications = DEAD.




Impossible.

On Tripping and Falling

8 am.

I checked the ACET 2009 Results.

I typed my full name in the database.

After sixty seconds.. there. Time stopped. For a minute, I couldn't believe what was right in front of me.


Sorry but the name you entered is not in the list.

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If your name does not appear on the screen, this means that you are neither accepted nor waitlisted.


Ateneo De Manila. My dream university. My dream; my dream is now just a dream.

I know that God has a better plan for me. But I honestly couldn't grasp that thought, that little hope of still believing, of hoping for the best, of what we all know - faith. I cannot help but ask why.

God, why? Why me? Why not Ateneo? Why didn't you grant my heart's desire? Why, God? Why did you let me fail? Again?! Hindi pa ba enough yung pagkatalo ko sa Student Council? I have grown! I learned so much! Why am I supposed to suffer again?

This is unfair.

You want me to trust You and see You as a Big God who can make things possible and yet You allowed me to fail. How could I possibly trust You and see things in Your eyes? How can I accept when I failed for the nth time?

I do not understand You. I want to believe You but I can't. I want to get up and continue fighting but I'm too tired. I am sick of all these crap.

Sigh.



Lord, amidst of all my doubts, my loss and my failures, I choose to lay everything at Your feet.

I cannot bear this.


I trust You.